I took a dive into the abyss within, and I still can't find my way back. I Just had to see... To figure out... To realize... WHAT AM I? This question has been pinging around in my head for as long as I can remember but it was when I was 15 when I truly asked myself the question. The first time I had experienced the pure rage I had been unconsciously bottling up. I won't share how I got to that state... I've made plenty of mistakes in the past and watched enough suffering which led me to eventually blow up. -- In my wake, I left two doors ripped from their hinges, a few fist sized holes in the walls of my room, and a smashed TV. It was strange, I remained "aware" the whole time yet it was difficult - "hell, next to impossible," - to control. It's like shaking a soda bottle and opening it, then quickly trying to re-cap the bottle before too much soda sprays out. There's too much pressure. When the rage was finally tamed, I could barely look at the destruction I had left. It didn't take long for the feeling of wretched fear overcame me. More fear than I had ever felt before, because the source of my fear was MYSELF.
Years later I can account for at least three more breakdowns. No more than five. The thought of seeing a specialist is not comparable to the fear I hold for myself and the rage lurking deep inside me. For, in my world, doctors and specialists have been taught in a way that blinds them. They receive huge bonuses for making false diagnoses and prescribing certain pharmaceuticals with side effects that are far worse than the primordial rage itself.
So here I am, now in my twenties and prepared to dive. Well actually, prepared to continue my dive. For once you dive, you find there is no end. Just an endless plummet into THE ABYSS WITHIN. It is here I will face my monster. My truth. My REAL truth, and it is deep in the abyss where I am eternally cursed to battle my demon, my truth. Eternally struggling to bring my power under control. For if I can't, I will forever be dangerous.
A danger to society.
A danger to my family.
A danger... to MYSELF, whatever I may be.
So with that said, I continue to dive.
Into the abyss... The black hole at the center of my mind.
For, I wish to help people! Help them to conquer their monster. Their DEMON